tsubasa_rose

 Let me tell you a story:

One day when the sky was blue and the earth was brown over the crest of a hill came a young girl walking.  She was extraordinarily simple in that she walked: she moved one foot and then the other.  Her walk was never too fast nor to slow and while the path was wide and sometimes thin it was never not straight.

The girl didn't stop to think if the path had always been there or if it was her path, nor did she think about how sometimes she was in valleys and sometimes in the mountains.  She met others while she walked who sometimes walked beside her, or in front of her but she never noticed if they were behind her.  Sometimes the sky was a open and the path was rocky while other times the heavens were filled with charcoal cotton clouds and the mud stuck to her heels and spattered against the back of her legs.

While walking one day the string on the strap on the shoe on her left foot snapped and the girl's foot stepped upon the pebbles of the path for the first time.  She couldn't see how to fix her strap so she kept walking and left the shoe behind, it wasn't too bad it only hurt every other moment.  Then the day came when a thread unravelled and her other shoe fell away from her foot.  She again couldn't see how to fix it so she kept walking leaving it too behind but, it still wasn't too bad because the road wasn't too rough.

She walked this way for quite sometime until she felt it was time to stop.  Her bloody souls took comfort when she left the path and rested in the grass edge.  Her limbs realized their exhaustion and the girl stopped completely for the first time.  She lay in the grass.  She was stung by bees, but she smelled the flowers.  People on the path beside her warned her to continue her walk but she ballooned with the melancholy of stillness.  Finally after many days of still she grew restless and allowed herself to be dragged back onto the walk.

The road was rougher than she remembered, the sun was brighter and the wind chillier.  She willed herself to stop again, turning her back to the people on the path, but the grass wasn't as comfortable and her numbed feet took no comfort when she lay.  The bees still stung but she found the flowers to be unsavory and nauseating, so she dragged herself back onto the path to keep walking.

By now the girl was no longer young and her walk was no longer simple.  The path no longer seemed straight and with each valley and mountain she resisted the change.  One day when the sky was grey and the earth was black, when the path was thin and the mountain was high, the path crumbled beneath her feet and she fell out of sight.  And the people on the path kept walking.

 Lately my dreams have been filled with rich worlds, interesting people and adventure.  In many ways it's a lot like the life I live when I'm awake, but there's something missing.  It's a seed of doubt no bigger than a tear drop, lodged in a crevice of my heart, it has taken root and slowly throughout my life the roots have taken hold.

The weed has robbed me of energy, desire, hope and left an almost shell in its wake.  It's twisted my emotions into so many knots, that the very idea of untangling them pains me.  Yet somehow this marionette has kept on dancing, thanks to the puppet master I wake every morning and watch as my body goes through the motions.

I don't want to be that person, and these dreams of late remind me that I have potential.  Another seed inside that just hasn't been given the light it needs to flourish.  The problem is that it is buried so deep, my fingers have been worn down and bloodied, my nails chipped and all the meanwhile the cancerous seed has devoured.

So I'm going to cry myself to sleep again tonight.  Falling asleep in the damp pillow case will nurture the weed but it will be my gateway to the land of dreams.  That's what I need- a dream when I'm waking.  No one can convince me that I am loved, or will be missed, no pills, no therapy, no alcohol, no drugs, nothing can convince me anymore.  I need a dream or I will become a puppet who only dances with the wind.

"Look at the world, so close and I'm half way to it.
Look at it all so big, do I even dare?
Look at me here at last I just have to do it..." - Alan Menkan 

            This semester has been the hardest period of time in my academic career.  It’s hard to pinpoint the exact reason because this is not the most work I have had, nor has it been my period of worst depression, I have a job and friends, and I get along with my family for the most part most of the time.  So why in the course of the last four months have I struggled with vice after vice?  I dabbled in nicotine addiction, alcoholism, gluttony, sloth, a suicide attempt and a general bad attitude.  I can’t say I have an answer.  I don’t know why I am still here except by the grace of God which brings me to the reason why I decided to share a small lighted happy epiphany.

            For the holiday season this year I decided that to be a little different, I would not draw up my normal ten pages of things and things that I wanted.  As much as I am a bibliophile I’ve slowly come to see more and more that they are just things.  The real reason I love my books however are the stories they posses which are in fact not only contained in the pages but with in my own heart.  So when the presents are opened this year I will not be focusing on the number of presents that are wrapped up for me but instead what is found inside.  Anyone who asks me what I want for Christmas this year is going to get the same answer and yet I expect widely varied results. I want their favorite books.  I want the understanding and connection with the people I care about, I want more than a thing.

            Several people have already asked me and several people I volunteered this desire to.  One person in particular that I told was my mom.  Like my grandmother and I, my mother likes to read, however unlike us she does not provide herself with the liberal amounts of time that we need to sustain our cravings.  We were on the phone and the conversation followed loosely like so:

“Hey mommy! I know what I want for Christmas!”

“What?”

“Your favorite book.  Any book in your life that has had an impact or that you remember.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know.  It’s supposed to be your favorite.”

“…”

“Oh come on- you read!  There has to be something- anything- that sticks out.”

“Well I’m reading a book right now that is really interesting.”

“Mom…..I’m saying in the course of your life time and you pick what you are reading NOW.  Just think about it will you.”

“Well if I have to think about it then it shouldn’t count.”

 

Touché mom. Touché.

            Alas I consented to her request and will accept it as something that my mom enjoyed.  However, later in the day while I was musing about life and all its questions I was reminded that my favorite bible I own is from when I was a child and my mother gave it to me.  It has my name embossed in rainbow letters and my mom didn’t give it to me for my birthday or Christmas- it was just a gift she decided to give me.  Through the ups and downs of my life I have kept this bible close and now that I am working again at retaining a healthy relationship with God I treasure just as much as the day she gave it to me.

 

So it clicked today.  My mom gave me life, then she gave me her favorite book (the only book in my life that she made the effort to give unasked) and that book has helped me to stay alive.  I guess I can just give her the list of things after all.

 

Touché mom.  Touché.


add:  I told my mom my perspective and she thinks I'm too sentimental.  But isn't it a nice story?

 When I close my eyes to this paradox place
I'll fly away, far away from here
I'll get away and dream, dream of you

When it's all said and done
And the night has come
I'll disappear, take flight on the wind of wishing you were here
Fading light, like a star whose life has been gone for years

And I'll fly, fly across the sky
And I'll leave, I'll leave it all behind
If you're be here, here with me tonight
I'll be fine, I'll be fine
I'll be fine

Then I'll disappear, take flight on the wind of wishing you were here
Fading light, like a star whose life has been gone for years

And I'll fly, fly across the sky
And I'll leave, I'll leave it all behind
If you'll be here, here with me tonight
I'll be fine, I'll be fine
I'll be fine









(c) Mae

        Sometimes I wonder about my body.  JD spends the night and huddled in all her layers covered by blankets she says she is cold.  Meanwhile I'm chilling (aha pun?) in my pj shorts and large t-shirt, mildly warm.  Right now I am sitting here and I think it is probably seventy degrees in my apartment and I am shivering.



Then again it might be because I'm eating ice cream for breakfast.

 Dear Cosmos,
    Have I done something?  Something that I, being the lowly human that I am, should regret?  For the first time.... in a long time.  I am happy.   Oh irony is a bitch.  

My laptop, my life source, died on monday.  The part to get it fixed had to be special ordered and then reordered. I was supposed to get my laptop on Wednesday... then Thursday.... then Friday... and Now Saturday.  Excellent.

My mom, being the walking guilty bubble, decides I can buy a new computer.  I go to the store, meet all expectations of an anxiety attack, finally get help and come back home.  Tanpopo is just about the shiniest thing I have ever owned.  She is already broken and I have to go back to the store bright and early to be fixed. Goody.

Oh and I saw the guy the guy I liked and since I woke up late that day, had work, and generally was a little put off at the whole sharing my feelings gig that was expected, I looked like crap.  Damn it.

If this was the big bug on windshield this week, then the happiness I have acquired inside wold still thrive on.  But something worse happened Cosmos and I kinda want to know why.  Is there a sign in here somewhere about how I am actually a succubus.  Stealing to much cookie from the jar?

Friend number one... lets call her Nancy.  She gets horribly disappointed and kinda stabbed in the back by heartbreak.

Friend number two- Joan.  She isn't talking to me because she is so stubborn (and stupid) that she is just plain stupid.

Friend number three- Veronica.  She is met with an untimely goodbye.

Friend number four- Luicille.  She just has a lot of rain clouds right now.

Is this a sign?  Should I be taking notes? Is this too self-centered... uh I'm gonna go with no.  Just a general wondering Cosmos.  If you want to be fair, am I sucking up that much happiness in my new found revival of my heart, you can try to take it back.  I can't stand this week, and I'm happy.  So Gosh Damn It lay off my friends because that is not gonna change.  I'm a big fan of irony, really I am, but this is taking it to far.

Love Always,
Your Biggest Fan

p.s. to any number of friends who read my general musings.  Do not fear my cynicism is still strong and I hear the happiness is kinda infectious like ravishing virus so take heart that I am here for you, and that is not gonna change.

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here

(c) OwlCity

Best I Ever Had lyrics

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay, love can be so boring
And nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now.

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had.

So you stole my world, now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl leaves me down and lonely
Well send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better.

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You dont want me back
You're just the best I ever had.

And it might take some time to patch me up inside
but I cant take it so I, I run away and hide
And I might find in time that you were always right
You're always right.

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning
Now, I'm here to stay, love can be so boring
Was it what you wanted?
Could it be I'm haunted?

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You dont want me back
You're just the best I ever had.

You're just the best I ever had

(c) Gary Allan

Lie to me
Make me feel like I am loved
All I want Is a lie
All I want is a lie

Say the sun Will rise again
That the new day will begin
That It’s all ok

(Lie to me)
‘Cause it’s all that’s left of me
Little lies
Spilling over
Into the sea
So I’ll keep lying to me

Lie to me
Kiss my lips
With tenderness
Hold me close
And steal my breath
Can’t you do that please

Lie to me
 
Fill my heart
With empty words
‘cause it’s better
Than an empty heart
I can pretend
That it’s all
Alright
That The cold is warmth
That my beating heart is still
Lying